Friday Funny: New Abortion Laws

via The Onion

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Transcript after the jump

Gregory: I’m Gregory Dawson sitting in for Clifford Baines, who was accidentally erased.  On the news of states which have passed abortion laws requiring the viewing of an ultrasound, Arkansas has enacted a new law which requires women to name their unborn baby and paint a nursery for it before undergoing the procedure.  Should other states adopt similar abortion laws?

Paula: Of course they should.  It’s just common sense that viewing an ultrasound image of a fetus, and then painting a nursery either pink or blue helps give women the information they need to be sure they’re making the right decision.

David: Exactly.  We have to support women through this process.  Naming their unborn child is part of that.

Theodore: Yes! And now, if a women clears out a room in her house and assembles a crib and buys three toys for the child and a few other simple steps, and then decides that she wants to purge that baby from her womb, then she can.

Phillip: But I’m worried that the law doesn’t go far enough in helping these women.

Gregory: How so?

Phillip: Well, because after the mandatory three week reflection period after the nursery is painted, the women can just close the door and not even look at it.

Paula: It’s true.

Phillip: Yeah, she should be required to sit in the nursery at least an hour per day surrounded by baby booties and pacifiers so she won’t regret rushing through a decision later.

Gregory: Now, some critics say that this law may be too time consuming for too many women to comply with.

David: I agree.  It’s too complicated.  Simply requiring women to watch a computer simulation of what their baby would look like saying, “I love you Mommy,” would’ve been enough.  These extra measures are simply taking valuable time away from our medical professionals.

Gregory:  Makes sense.  Like the provision that requires nurses to follow mothers around with a giant boom box with the sound of innocent children’s laughter over and over again.

Theodore: But those studies show that those extra steps actually make the laws work better.  For example, the Missouri law requiring pharmacists to dispense birth control in a blood-red container with a skull on it while eerily chanting “God have mercy on us” in Latin has actually increased how careful teens are about sex.

[hosts agree]

Gregory:  Absolutely!  Texas this week started a so-called “take a life, save a life” program ordering women to give a kidney while undergoing an abortion.

Theodore: And it’s a great program.  Look, if a woman isn’t ready to have her kidney removed, then it’s clear that she has doubts about getting an abortion.

[hosts agree]

Phillip: And it also offers the women so many choices.  If a woman doesn’t want to give a kidney, then they can just opt to donate all the blood in their body.


About Melissa

I love donuts. Chocolate iced, hold the sprinkles.
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