For whatever reason, I’ve been getting a lot of vibrator-related search engine hits lately (some disgusting, but most just honest inquiries). Though I rarely foray into sex talk, I feel compelled to do so* because of a disheartening search engine phrase that brought someone to my blog earlier today:
If my husband uses a vibrator is he gay?
Well, search engine term lady, chances are: no. Vibrators aren’t just for cis women:
[V]ibrators vibrate, and vibrations, whatever packaging they come in, generally feel good on all erectile tissues, regardless of who they belong to. This includes: the penis, balls, perineum (taint!), and the entire anal area. There is no specific specialization in vibrators that makes them unique to women, except, perhaps that the clitoris has twice as many nerve endings as the head of the penis, thus making it a little more sensitive to the effects of vibration.
That’s not even taking into account the p-spot (aka the male g-spot, aka the prostate gland). I think I’ve linked to Julian’s post on the p-spot before, but here it is again in all its awesomely comprehensive glory.
Anyway, just as there are vibrators that cater to specific areas of the female anatomy, there are all kinds of vibrators and sex toys for men:**
There are also vibrators meant for couples play (hel-lo vibrating cock rings).
Long story short: vibrators are for everyone (heterosexual men included***). Yay!
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No matter WHAT he’s doing, if it’s with a female, it’s by definition not gay. Silly!
I know of only two heterosexually active men out of hundreds, who are with woman in primary relationship, who desire sex that is not considered heterosexual and who, each, do not allow themselves to pursue it, for some very good reasons–such as being in a committed non-polyamorous relationship with a woman, for one thing.
Both of these men have spoken to me in detail (click here to hear the full interviews—kidding) about wanting to have sex with men but being too afraid to do so, due to the stigma of having same-sex attraction or “gay sex”.
I think the issue is that a man receiving sexual/sensual/erotic pleasure in ways that don’t stroke or directly apply sensation to the penis, is often deemed “not masculine” or “gay” or “weird” or whatever, because patriarchal sexuality, to be politically correct, is supposed to center on and around the penis, one way or another. So everything else is “less patriarchal” and “less politically correct” for men to do.
So, a younger or older non-intersex male can admit to masturbating if he does so by rubbing his penis–either stroking it or rubbing it against something. But, let’s say a man reaches orgasm more easily by stimulating the area around and including his anus? I know one man who can achieve orgasm solely by stimulating his nipples.
If such a man were in dominant patriarchal groups of guys, they’d likely not think that was as “cool” or whatever for saying that’s how he most easily reaches orgasm. They’d think he was “abnormal” and the stigma of “abnormality” falls disproportionately on people who are not white, not male, and not heterosexually active. So liking anything abnormal in dominant heteropatriarchal society renders one open to being labeled “gay” just because “gay’ is equated with “abnormality” and “things that aren’t cool”. Hence, the ubiquity of that annoying phrase: “that movie was so gay!” (meaning terrible, stupid, a waste of my money and time, boring, etc.)
Funny anecdote: a het male acquaintance was raised by his lesbian moms and was known, when out with friends as an older teen and young adult, to comment whenever he heard any male state, for example, “that movie was so gay!” He was an imposing figure, towering several inches above most males (at 6 ft., 5 inches) and weighing fifty-plus pounds more than most, as well. He’d saunter on over and ask the dude directly “Do you mean that the movie is male and has enjoys having sex with men?” Sometimes they’d get the point.
The assumption that a man who isn’t gay, who likes anal sex or sex with a vibrator against or inside his anal area might be gay is also a function of not really understanding, at all, what it means to be gay.
For example, I’m gay, male, and asexual. I don’t welcome or want any sexual stimulation, at all. So does that make me un-gay? Nope.
A woman’s husband or boyfriend might be gay–may choose to become gay-identified–if he strongly prefers to be romantically or deeply emotionally involved with men in ways that heterosexual people assume is “heterosexual” when it happens between a woman and a man.
Being “gay” isn’t determined by what areas of your body respond most to vibrational or other sensuous stimulation. (We don’t, or ought not, assume a woman is lesbian if she is with a man romantically but strongly prefers oral or other stimulation to her clit to any penetrative vaginal stimulation.)
If a woman’s husband or boyfriend is in love with a man, if he cannot stop thinking about being romantically involved with a man, if he is intensely drawn to men in ways that he is not at all drawn to women, he might be gay. Not because he likes having a vibrator against his anus.
^^What dudes say and what dudes actually DO is two different worlds. I know LOTS of older het men who say publicly they’d never…um…orally entertain a lady, but who actually do it and enjoy. There was a great Sopranos episode that featured that scenario.
Ultimately, I’m way suspicious of guys who talk like they’re “all man”. You know there are serious identity issues or worse behind that. Real men (gay, bi, or het) don’t need that sorta talk to feel confident or masculine.